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Everybody’s always talking about how we should do new things and try new things. You need to go out and meet new people, they say. Go to new places. Expand your personal network. You need to grow!
It’s a mess out there trying to wade through all the self-help guidance on how to be a fantastic human being. What gets lost in the wash is that people don’t want to grow because at best, it’s uncomfortable; at worst, it’s excruciatingly painful.
I’m Gen X so I get why people are tired of growing.
I never liked the term that old dogs can’t learn new tricks. I don’t consider myself ~ahem~ old, per se… but I have been thinking maybe people who’ve lived a good dose of life don’t want to learn new tricks.
We’ve all been young once. Trying new stuff was fun because we didn’t know how wrong things could go. But by this point in our lives we know how terribly wrong mistakes can go. I mean, we KNOW.
Sometimes some of us choose not to grow. Case in point, I made a conscious decision not to figure out Instagram. I’m not bragging, just telling the truth. It wasn’t that I couldn’t learn it–I just didn’t want to put the energy into it because the ROI just isn’t there. What’s another social media site going to add to my life? I already spend hours on Youtube trying to learn how to do my makeup from Gen Zers [It’s like they come out of the womb knowing how to contour and color correct!] The rest of the time I’m on Pinterest finding recipes.
So when everyone was going on and on about Instagram videos of real people doing stuff I asked myself, Do I really want to sacrifice more time to social media? In this way? To do stuff I’m certain no one wants to see? Myself said: “No, no I don’t”.
But I could have if I’d wanted to.
My point is, maybe not trying new things isn’t a choice we make because we’re afraid but because our experience tells us that new things aren’t always worth the effort. I mean, why push yourself to unknown experiences when you have a home and a door and a sofa and ice cream in the freezer and potato chips in the pantry and a bottle of wine to keep me you warm at night. [That’s misleading, it’s not the wine that keeps the toes toasty … it’s the brandy.]
I digress.
I have to believe other people feel the same. Maybe at some point in life you decide that all those new tricks aren’t worth it. You’re done with that.
Okay, got that off my chest, now it’s time for me to present the other side.
Please don’t feel betrayed; you have to understand, looking at both sides of an argument is a master skillset for Gen X. We’re adept at straddling both lanes so we can see both sides. Sure, we might occasionally get blindsided by the huge semi truck barreling right at us from the front, but this isn’t about our weaknesses, it’s about our strengths. [Our innate ability to look at both sides of a coin has kept this country from falling apart, so don’t hate.]
In this battle of do I or don’t I personally grow, one side is a clear winner in my eyes.
I come down on the side of seeking personal growth for myself when at all possible, and I’ll tell you why.
When I was young I envisioned personal growth as a vertical thing. I pictured in my mind that we all start small and then with every accomplishment we would grow taller (figuratively, of course) until we were so accomplished that we couldn’t look down and see our feet anymore.
Now I’m older, I visualize growth as more of an expansion, like how my belly expands after I’ve had a big meal. Or like the flame at the Tokyo Olympics became that big ball of fire.
Expansion doesn’t just grow you in one direction, it continues to round out all of who you are. If I learn how to roller skate it’s not just gong to affect those feet in those skates, it’s going to spark some neurons in my brain, it’s going to teach all my muscles how to balance this new playing field, because you can’t work one part of you without working another. And it’s going to open me to meet people I would never have met because I don’t run in the skating crowd. Growth expands who you are, your space in the world, and what you can accomplish.
We always attribute wisdom to age but that’s not right. There are plenty old people who are more stunted than a person half their age. It’s not age, alone, that makes us wise, it’s the growth we experience through years of trying things. Years of making the decision to put ourselves out there just to see what happens.
Continuing to grow is essential for Gen X because of where we land in society.
We’ve never had the numbers to change the world into what we want it to be; we’ve always had to change ourselves to survive the world around us. We’re still doing it, stretching to bridge the gap between two large generations. We pick up the slack for our parents and kids, cashing out retirements or taking on new debt to help our loved ones; reasoning that at least we’re still young enough to work. Hoping, if we help our kids early on it will pay off in spades for their future when the economy rebounds. Our intent is honorable, but our efforts leave one important thing out of the equation: US!
We can’t change the world but we can change ourselves by growing in ways that benefit us, alone. I know, it sounds kind of selfish. But keep saying it, you might start to like how it sounds. Benefit us, benefit us, benefit us … feels good, right?
We have to remember, personal growth–investment in self–is the purest form of self-love. And it pays off in compound interest because of the whole expansion thing. The value of our attempts may not be reflected in what the world gives us back, but it grows exponentially in what it does for our soul and sense of self.
When I decided to get an advanced degree I had a lot of vague ideas of what it would mean for my future and my career. I was a good twenty years older than most of my classmates and felt like I was twenty years behind. But I expected at a minimum it would lead to a bump in salary. It didn’t do that and it didn’t lead to a new career. At first I was bummed but I had to look at the benefits I hadn’t expected: new knowledge of networking, new understanding of the business world, a stellar education.
Don’t get me wrong, it was a tough three years in grad school and I lost my mother in year two, which made it tougher. But I’m glad I finished because it taught me that I’m stronger than I knew, I’m not done learning all sorts of new tricks, and I can do what I set out to.
After the shock of the world not giving me a second look wore off, I decided that I would focus less on what the world gave back to me, and more on what I was giving to me. I finally questioned what I felt I deserved, what I was doing to make sure I received it, and what it was I was truly searching for.
Yes, it took me until my fifties to really understand that external validation is horse shit. Better late than never.
There’s a sentiment that anything that is alive and stagnant is actually dying.
There’s nothing wrong with being comfortable, but if you believe in God you likely also believe there’s a greater purpose for everything. I believe God put a tiny bit of fire in each of us to expand. It motivates us to search and question and seek out and experience. It’s a desire for knowledge that motivates us to continue wanting to know more, starts us up when we want to stop, and piques our interest in things that make no sense at all. I believe that little nugget of fire keeps our engines running and keeps us alive.
Personal growth is big term and there are all sorts of ways to grow. From hobbies like planting, to taking a class to making a huge life change–they all help us grow.
I’m a serial project taker-on. Something in my spirit won’t allow me to sit still for long. Most of them make no sense to anyone like the time I decided to produce a dance video. Not a whole lot of people loved my video (imagine that). My feelings were hurt until I reminded myself, it was my very first time shooting and editing. I did a pretty damn good job, all things considered. I had a lot of fun doing it and meeting the dancers who are way more talented than my video would suggest (I think I might have accidentally cut out some of the best parts).
I’ve learned it’s helpful to ask myself questions in the beginning to set me up better at the end. By deciding what I want to accomplish I mitigate the sting of disappointment in how the world will react to my effort later.
Bottom line, in order to grow you have to do the thing, and then replace external validation with internal validation. Stop worrying so much about how other people think of you and decide how you think of you.
For a people-pleaser, that may be easier said than done. Caring what other people think is always top of mind for us. It’s been a personal growth experiment for me to even try to change that mindset. Writing personal essays is another example. I was hesitant to expose myself to the world but I’ve enjoyed it more than I thought I would.
Sometimes an experience is just an experience, but if the opportunity to stretch yourself should come along, don’t stop yourself because it’s uncomfortable. Come on, Gen X. We’re not done yet.
If you have an idea you might want to start something but keep talking yourself out of it, take this Personal Growth Challenge just for s—s and giggles.
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